I did adult things today, but I still don't feel too much better. I guess it's a good sense of relief to know that things are taken care of and I only have to wait until classes start. Nothing else in the way to bother me.
Now I just have to worry about.. I don't know, me. It's supposed to be a new year, turning over a new leaf, but it just feels all very stagnant and dull.
The rules: 1. Leave me a comment saying something random. 2. I respond by asking you 5 personal questions. 3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions. 4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post. 5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.
Reiko asked me: 1. What kind of music are you into? I listen to a variety of genres so it's hard to pinpoint precisely what I like. Indie, alternative rock, hard rock, German metal, electronica, pop, classic rock, it's all in there. I am not a huge fan of neither rap nor country music, though; some old school rap does tickle my fancy but this newer modern stuff is just noise and bullshit to me.
2. What is your Eastern zodiac as does it affect you as much as your Western? My eastern zodiac is the tiger (1986) and I follow it just about as closely as I do my Western zodiac. Both of them tend to provide valuable information, I'm just in the habit of posting only stuff that relates to fellow Pisceans.
3. Do you believe in fate? Absolutely. Sometimes things just happen without any effort on your part, good or bad.
4. Did you ever manage to seriously injure yourself or others on a stupid toy (such as a Slip n Slide) as a child? There was one particular occasion where I thought my bike was strong enough to run over a plastic beach bucket. Result: face meets ground, lip meets busted open. That's about the worst of my childhood injuries.
5. What pets have you had over the years? Long answer: My very first pet was a lab retriever named Nugget and we had him for about five years before giving him up to a farm owner.
During this time we owned three guinea pigs: Patches, Peaches, and Grayson. My parents gave them away because we never cleaned the cages (I was an irresponsible child).
After him came Missy, a beagle that we actually bought (all of our other pets were given to us or are strays) but we gave her up because she was a hunting dog. I hear she's caught lots of things nowadays.
After that, there was Shadow #1, a Bombay/American Shorthair mix, pure black.. she had to be put down due to a brain tumor (we really couldn't afford to help her out in that area).
During a few weeks while we still had Shadow, Patches came into our lives (a calico) and stayed with us for two years after Shadow left. She met her demise at ingesting some rat poison by accident and we didn't actually notice until it was far too late for her.
Somebody gave me a mouse as a present once, a pure white male mouse whom I named Pikachu (can you guess when this was?). My sister got jealous and wanted her own - surprise! surprise! we accidentally put a female mouse in with a male mouse and before we knew it we had about 32825328604 mouse babies piling up in the cages. The pet store wouldn't take them, not even for snake foods, so my mother had the unfortunate task of putting them all out of their misery (drowned in a bucket). I had to help. :( We kept two females and one male (separate cages, lesson learned) and it was one female that lived single-handedly past the intended expiration date on mice (something like two years, she was ridiculous).
Before Patches died we adopted Shadow since her owner couldn't afford to take care of her anymore. She's a small, curly-tailed, long-haired auburn sonofabitch and she's adorable. We still have her today.
After Patches died my dad put down this house rule about no more cats, but that rule was soon broken when my sister's boyfriend only recently bought her a cat. He's a Siamese/American Shorthair mix, declawed and deballed, crosseyed and really LOUD. He recently caught a cold which was kind of funny and sad at the same time. Kitty sneezes.. X3
I also owned fish quite a lot, but they always died. D:
It's a strange feeling knowing that you're wrapped up into the beginning of a deep depression, but don't have the willpower to change it.
It's not even okay to feel sad anymore and that makes me sad. Sadness as a human emotion is being chased off by my generation, talk of emos and 'cry more', and that stuff.
I don't have the money to go to Otakon. I'm not even sure I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not sure now that I want to see anyone ever again.
I think I finally realised why I have been so bored of this game lately. All this time I have been concentrating so terribly hard on playing Horde that I've drilled it into my head. I know all the capital cities like the back of my hand, all the flight points, all the quests. I forgot that Alliance, no matter what anyone's opinion of them is, is the other half of the game and I haven't experienced that yet.
Needless to say, I rolled a draenei hunter. I'm not abandoning Lokovaca by any means, but I'm going to start dedicating time to this new guy. I love the starting area, it's amazing.
Your combination of abstract thinking, appreciation of beauty, and cautiousness makes you a DREAMER.
You often imagine how things could be better, and you have very specific visions of this different future.
Beauty and style are important to you, and you have a discerning eye when it comes to how things look.
Although you often think more broadly, you prefer comfort to adventure, choosing to stay within the boundaries of your current situation
Your preferences for artistic works are very refined, although you vastly prefer some types and styles to others.
Though your dreams are quite vivid, you are cautious in following up on them.
You are aware of both your positive and negative qualities, so that your ego doesn't get in your way.
A sense of vulnerability sometimes holds you back, stifling your creative tendencies.
You're well-attuned to your emotional state, and not afraid to use your feelings to guide you. You tend to be cooperative, rarely contradicting others, and always considerate of their feelings.
You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control. If you want to be different:
Your imagination is a wonderful asset, but don't just dream—be bold enough to take action and explore new things!
Consider a wider range of details and possibilities when thinking about the present and the future—don't be too set in your ways. how you relate to others
You are Encouraging
Your outgoing nature, understanding of others, and directness make you ENCOURAGING.
You want others to do well for themselves, and you generally believe in their abilities.
You often know what's good for people because of your caring nature and your worldview.
When you care about someone, you don't keep it to yourself: you are good at letting people know that you're thinking of them.
Because you trust people, you take violations of that trust very seriously.
You thrive in social situations, and even though you know who you like and who you don't like, you can interact well with many different types of people.
You have a healthy respect for people who have earned what they have, and you strive to be similar to successful others.
You are a loyal friend and a good listener.
If you want to be different:
Sometimes, in the course of being encouraging, you can be a bit judgmental—this can make it more difficult for others to follow your advice.
While you are an expert at getting the most out of the world and taking advantage of many experiences, you might gain some insight by taking the time to be alone, reflect on things, or just observe the goings-on in the world.
I am waiting for the opportunity to breathe and to let go but I don't have that feeling of washed warmth, that feeling that tells you when the sun is coming out from behind the clouds. It's just a continued rain of torment for me, cold, cold rain, and desperate, howling, torturous winds that make my clothes whip at me like angry dogs biting. Here in this house it is always safest for me. I can detach myself from the things I don't want to deal with and keep the monsters at bay, if only for a little while longer, Mommy dearest, please don't make me look under the bed because it's dark and I am terribly afraid of darkness.
My heart is lacking substance, lacking sustenance, and I have no way to fulfill it. I have no spoon to feed it. Like a pet I couldn't afford to take care I have set it aside in hope that I can preserve it by encasing it, putting it away in a case of glass, waiting for some reckless free-thinker to come along swinging ball peen hammers like battleaxes, cutting away the viny thorns in search of the treasure locked within and what would they do when they found it. It is palpable, malleable, vulnerable, touchable.. feelable, and perhaps they will nurture it for a while as it is their new plaything but perhaps they will become greedy, or hungry, and drive elongated fangs into it to suck the nutrient from within. The klaxon sounds and the intruder is vanquished by the darkness, the monster that guards it.
Locked back away.
I have come to this point where I do not want to see anyone, hear from anyone, or go anywhere... yet without people I know that I will eventually rot and die, as flowers that are not watered and cats that are not fed. Which will I be, however? Flowers that cannot move and seek out a solution, or will I slink away gracefully with the delicate gestures of a short-haired alley cat and find myself something to live on. That is a decision I have not yet made.
It would be easier to wilt and die. But something inside of me wants to find something to eat. I suppose even fish can feel cat-like and I suppose even fish hunger.
I have come to this point where I don't feel like I have anyone. Am I purposely making myself unreachable? It's likely. I spend hours glued to my computer screen escaping a reality that I do not want to come to terms with, it's no wonder nobody wants to call and talk to me, or IM me to see how I'm doing. That much I suppose I can understand. I have brought this upon myself and like everything else in my life I don't want to face it. I'm too scared, too much of a pussy to fess up to the things I've done. I always have been. I probably always will be.
But regardless I am now alone and cannot get any help. I'm not even sure help will be.. helpful. Maybe I don't want to help.
Maybe the lack of help is the first step.
This song brings back memories I don't want to relive right now. The feelings aren't painful but I just don't want to deal with them. More pushing away, more dealing with it later. I just don't have the energy to miss her right now, I don't have the energy to feel empty, and I certainly don't have the energy to daydream or hope.
Today was a family outing to MSU. I met Joseph, my Academic Coordinator, for the first time and began the process of finalising my transfer into MSU. On Monday I take my official transcript back up to Admissions and they start transferring credits over immediately, although I already registered for classes today. Get this schedule I got:
COMM 204 - Intro to Speech Communication* TR 1:00-2:15
COMM 206 - American Sign Language I M 7:00-9:30
HIST 101 - History of World Civilizations I TR 2:30 - 3:45
PHIL 190 - Ethics* TR 11:00 - 12:15
HIST 380 - American Military History**
* - These classes I'm actually taking with my sister, Katie. Who knows how those will turn out. ** - This is an Independent Study class, where I do the work at home on my own time and turn in work via WebCT/CougarWeb
I also spoke with an advisor about the Academic Forgiveness policy. The most interesting part however is the major I have decided to pursue at MSU, which is Liberal Studies. The major is handled differently than other majors because, in summary, I build the degree myself. Since there are no official History degrees at MSU the best option for me this year is to build my own curriculum that is approved by an advisor. That kind of flexibility is amazing! Monday when I go to take my transcript back, I get my official CougarID and can start using the facilities.
The downside is that Katie's classes are mostly on MW (they have no Friday classes AT ALL) and I will have to drive her up on those days anyway. But TR should be a little easier.
Joseph was EXTREMELY helpful and put my fears to ease. I'm actually now looking FORWARD to starting this year at MSU. Who knows, if it goes well enough I might just finish my degree there and pursue graduate studies somewhere instead.
But now I'm fucking worn out and looking forward to some game time.
* Melee classes shouldn't try to compete with us at ranged combat; Warriors should be building rage and managing aggro, not plinking at mobs with bows or guns. Rogues should be building up combos and delivering finishing moves, not throwing knives.
* Not all Hunters lack pet control. Some of us take quite a bit of pride in our ability to keep our pets out of trouble. Don't limit us and make us dismiss our pets just because you've worked with bad hunters in the past. Asking us to dismiss our pets is like asking a Rogue to put away one of his daggers or asking a Warlock to not use DoTs.
* We don't all consider our pets expendable; they lose happiness when they get killed, and it can take a lot of feeding to get them back up to full efficiency (not to mention roughly half of our mana bar). We'll sacrifice the pet if necessary, but we'd rather not have to (unlike Warlock pets, our pets dying actually cost us money in the form of food and mana drinks).
* Let us use our tracking abilities to see what's around before starting another fight (yes, we can see just about everything in the next room from the other side of the wall). If we say there's a patrol coming, don't go forward and draw aggro.
* Healers -- If our pet is tanking heal the pet when they need it. If the pet dies, you are very likely to get the aggro, and you don't want that. If we use our pet to pull a mob off of you, it is nice to at least toss it a renew.
* On the flip side of the coin, if our pet is just doing damage and not tanking, save your healing for the other party members, unless nobody's getting hurt and you just have a plethora of available mana.
* When using the Perfect Zone of Ultimate Safety tactic, if a pull goes bad, feign death fails and huge numbers of mobs swarm the hunter, do not (repeat DO NOT) help the hunter (this includes healing). Let him die. The whole point of the PZoUS is that if the pull goes bad, the worst that happens is that the hunter dies and is resurrected. If, however, you engage the mobs, after killing the hunter they will go after you instead of returning to where they came from, thus completely defeating the purpose of the PZoUS.
* Traps are a valuable form of crowd control and can be used against all mob types (there are a few exceptions, such as most water elementals), assuming it's not resisted. Please don't break the ice. If you want to trap a specific mob in a group it's best to pull that mob first, generally the other mobs in the group wait a second to start moving towards the party.
* Feign Death can, and often is resisted by mobs at our level and higher, especially if there are many mobs and the hunter has no points in Improved Feign Death, which he usually doesn't. Believe us when we say that we need a heal or a rez. Another note on Feign Death, it has a cooldown and we can't simply spam it.
* When Feign Death works, we can wipe all aggro from ourselves allowing a tank to take it. This is why hunters should pull, if the pull goes wrong, we can abort it.
* While it's true that melee weapons see more use by melee classes, it's also true that we contributed to the group that caused that weapon to drop, and as such if we want a fair shot at rolling for it, it isn't polite to tell us we can't. A weapon having the combination of +Agility/+AP on it, and especially if it also has intellect or mp5, is typically intended for a hunter.
* We do use mana as well, and we are generally much worse at DPS without it, so give us a chance to get our mana back too. An Arcane Intellect and some conjured water are nice as well.
* Misdirection is a spell that puts all the aggro generated by the next three shots after applying it on the target the misdirection spell was applied to, this combined with longer range makes hunter pulling (especially of bosses) an even better option. Keep in mind it has a two-minute cooldown, though.
* A pet is not a replacement for a tank. The pet is used to draw aggro off the suprisingly frail hunter, and to draw attention from the healer. The pet is not going to be able to hold three mobs at once. The pet's inferior amount of control (compared to warriors and other tanks) combined with the unchanging health bar for other party members, makes it a sub-standard tank in every respect. The pet is useful, but a group taking on a challenge equal in level to themselves will need a tank.
* When tanking a moving target, avoid pulling the mob too close to the hunter if possible; if it gets too close, it may require the hunter to move to a place where the target is in ranged distance again, thereby losing damage.
Stolen more shamelessly from previous shameless stealer dae (even though I've not had the privilege of actually raving in several years, I enjoyed this):
Our emotional state of choice is Ecstasy. Our nourishment of choice is Love. Our addiction of choice is technology. Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none. Our society of choice is utopian though we know it will never be.
You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence. We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children. We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself. We are The Massive. One Massive.
We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring. We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it, we came to accept that we are all the same. We came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal. And somewhere around 35Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these very realizations that each of us was truly born. We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for nothing, and we bring them to life for one night. Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in its purest, most intense, most hedonistic form.
In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us. We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackles and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind. We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born. Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels. Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands. Programming that tells us to close our minds instead of open them.
Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the distopian reality of the world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in: Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony, Expression, Responsibility and Respect.
Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence. But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party. You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end. I am a raver, and this is my manifesto.
Pisces, Your own emotions can leave you rockin' and reelin'. Where the heck did these feelings come from? Yes, this is discombobulating at first, but you must admit that it's nice to know you can still surprise yourself.
12:32:11 AM: so no more jessikim? 12:32:20 AM: nope 12:32:25 AM: but...but... 12:32:28 AM: :[ 12:32:31 AM: i love you 12:32:38 AM: it's okay 12:32:45 AM: I'm not nearly as disastrously hurt as I thought I would be 12:32:50 AM: Maybe that means we needed to break up 12:32:54 AM: maybe
12:46:18 AM: At least I have that much to say.. that I don't regret any of it and it wasn't necessarily a bad breakup 12:46:24 AM: We just stopped lying to each other, I believe.
Pisces, Where, oh where, does the time go? It's amazing how quickly it moves, especially when you're not paying attention. The stars say it's time to savor every single moment as it comes your way. Delicious!
Tomorrow.. tomorrow.. don't be a cocksucker.. tomorrow... you're only a day away >:(
I slept myself into a rock and a hard place, and now at midnight-forty-four I find myself making dinner for my sister and I because this is like our six o'clock. This is our new time of day. I need to get that changed around before too long when classes start to get closer. I haven't heard from Mom since I went to bed which is odd. She'll usually call my cell phone until I want to kill her. I'm concerned as to how she's doing and what's going on. I hear that they're going to PA as soon as they get home and I'm going to Huntington, I hope. I really hope. I could use some frisbee or some Pokeymans or even a Mario Party. Anything. I need company. My whole world has just been completely changed.
What's weird is what I hadn't talked to Kevin in so long that, and this is going to be so difficult to explain, he wasn't really alive in my mind to begin with. Out of sight, out of mind, and now that he's gone and shot himself it's so weird to think of him as being dead. And there are very few times I have ever heard my mother cry but every time is so pitiful and heartbreaking, and it tears me up inside in all kinds of ways. I have to force myself not to cry and break because only one of us can be strong at any given moment. I also don't ever have anyone to hug or hold on to when this kind of shit happens.
And then the ending of my relationship which I'm starting to feel better about. A lot of people have given me sympathy but I can't really say that I hurt about it. Maybe that does indeed mean we needed to move on. That connection just wasn't there and maybe I just don't love her in that specific way. I just don't know. I do know that I have to stop having sex with people so quickly. That's probably the singlemost regret I will have is not keeping it in my pants because I think it became our entire relationship. That's never what I wanted.
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pieskiis's journal![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/amused.gif){kind=small}
amused
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accomplished![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/sad.gif){kind=small}
depressed![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/calm.gif){kind=small}
calm
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surprised![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/awake.gif){kind=small}
awake![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/thoughtful.gif){kind=small}
contemplative